The first time that Talla Nathaniel had a species, he kept the Human Immunodeficiency Vine (HIV). He was 16 years old and recently it was announced he was gay.
Fearlessness, shame and self-abusiveness were kept secret from his family for the next 14 years.
Last year he has "come out of his" print "for the second time in his life and wrote a play about his knowledge about what grows like a wild and seropositive.
Nathaniel, 32, from Manchester, hopes that this one-person show will talk about HIV representations in a culture that you enjoy.
Tell how he knew that I was the virus when I was still a child.
The "romans summer" with an old man
I knew he was gay when he was aged between 13 and 14 years old.
2003 was very different from the current one. He was not even (for saying) the choice in school. Everything was secret … it was very difficult to find out who else was gay.
And then this man came to my life. I was 16 years old, he was older than me, twenty years old.
Suddenly, this guy gave me care and He gave me my confidenceIt was really tough. So we started to see each other.
That relationship did not stop long, in a way just two months or two.
This happened all over the summer, in the interplay between secondary and college, a summer singer, so speak. Then we will take individual routes.
It was tested by HIV and when I told him, I received messages from my friends, older than me, telling me I was just a foolish boy, The I made it up and things worse than that.
What I wanted to be that the test is done and did not get the necessary remedy so that he would not get it out to another because his & her; Most of the diseases come patients who are not familiar with their virus.
But I never knew if he knew heavily. Tell me that it was investigated and that his health was good … At the age of 16 you do not have the ability to challenge it.
"As my bus hit"
I just turned 17 when I got the judgment.
I remember that clinic staff were very kind and I did not; remembering much more than getting the news.
Then, I remember having to & # 39; going home and feeling I had to make a decision.
And I did it quickly, the decision is: insert my room and close the door and I do not tell what was happening to me.
I felt how my bus hit due to & # 39; I'm trying to wake up, I feel physically aware of being spread with plenty of strength.
I remember to & # 39; crying. They did not tell me very different from what they say today in the same situation.
Certainly, we were not in the early stages of the AIDS disease, medications were available and they were good and better.
But tell me that the prognosis was around de 37 years old. So, in fact, it was very difficult to recruit that number.
I received my psychological counseling at my university, I felt a bit of support and I was doing it; I thought everything was right until the end of last year I had a small emergency.
"I think that my control was shameful"
I think shame is the best thing. This is the only disease that has been agreed with a moral judgment and, in part, we maintain our own value judgments.
I was deer and a man is growing in a heterosexual world. You will hear that you are morally wrong or what you're doing is dirty and that's why you should be embarrassing. And I was getting aware of that.
Then you will hear warnings of this type "It's goingand be punished"
It was like that, then, that prophecy would come true and that gave me a real feeling.
For that point I put on myself the feeling of shame.
Read more► Any 5-hour death of HIV death in Argentina
I remember when I was in school, the only example of a love relationship that we received in the subject of sex education was the video in which a man was born; die by AIDS.
It's a good interest to you; and, therefore, those messages I was to find was in school or I did not; make it wrong and misleading or not, They did not come from my family, but they came from everywhere.
They sank in time and then, suddenly, I became a stereotype.
So I think it hurt me.
"I did not recognize myself"
I think it was the main time; When, after a party, I did not sleep for two days.
At that time I discovered that drugs and alcohol were … not only had they taken over my life, but I had been attacking me that I did not do any good .
It was not a way that was; It's really heavy or something, but I was cure with alcohol.
I just tried to do it get rid of the worry and stress of bintense ajawho had gathered over the years.
I realized that if I do something about it, it could be a real and real problem.
Something needed to change.
I had to tell my family. Many have tried, many times before, but it did not happen and never appeared to tell me.
So I started playing. I started writing and & # 39; make sense of things through writing.
Then I decided to write a letter to my parents and my brothers.
He gave me an evening for everything I wanted to tell them. Tell me what I did not need to put in, I just needed to write and then how I was going to; feel about it.
But after doing it, I felt very calm. So, I put it in jams straight and I put them before I could change my mind.
I did that for many times before I tried to tell him and I could never.
And I also thought it would be done four times in a series strong emotional influence.
To be honest, the answer did not make my heart.
It was, a bit, the same as the number of people who experience their experiences; feeling before leaving the closet. I'm afraid what might happen, but they sent me all text messaging and they took me and they were completely quiet.
They were only sorry that I felt that I needed to keep it secret for so long.
My mother came the next day and we talked.
It was the big worst; I thought they were upset because I was not telling them and because I had something so hidden.
But my mother said: "I'm sorry because I am My son was struggling for so long"
It was awful. there were Homophobia is a special introduction to many of the people who live in their emotions and then embarrassing, a series that fears gathering, and all that, together, is very powerful.
Even if you have a very dear family, it's hard to tell them.
"I usually used to go up every knot morning an heart "
No, suddenly, everything was based. But writing and work on the project have taken me to some difficult places and that's been hard.
But I have been feeling much more lighter and much more able to deal with things and worry that had gathered.
I usually used to & # 39; wake up every knitting morning in the heart of my heart.
I usually used to & # 39; Thinking that this did not affect me, but after telling my family, I gave myself something to save myself: "My God, you were living with her; This is a very terrible case"
Every morning, the first thing I was to; I feel frightened in my chest, which impedes me, and I can still do it; feel when I talk about it.
But since I started this time, I took up the crisis I was going to; go through and some of the bad decisions that I have made and by making peace with thatI do not have to be a perfect person I tried to be.
And that was very voluntary.